so much talking

How many people feel like they don’t have a voice?

Silent.

Forgotten.

On the outside looking in.

How come if you don’t speak as loudly as the next person your ideas don’t seem to really matter?

How come so few people know how to press pause when speaking? Pause with their own ideas, pause with the talking and just listen to what others have to say?

How come so few people are comfortable with silence and letting the conversation unfold without forcing it?

How come life is dominated by so few voices?

At times, I have felt alone in a room full of people. I sit there and listen and observe and have so much to say but unsure of how it will come out. Will my words be taken the wrong way? Will what I really want to say be heard? In the moment I can be a jumble of thoughts and sometimes emotions. More often than not, I stay quiet and the opportunity passes leaving me feeling like my voice doesn’t matter. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I can’t be.

Everyone has something to say. But when you are used to retreating you can start to feel like your voice doesn’t matter. Here’s the thing … when you have a voice, when you have a platform to be heard, even if it is with only one other person, there is a responsibility to listen. To pay attention to what others are doing while you are talking. To create space and give encouragement for others to find their voice too.

I often wonder in how many families do the same voices dominate? In how many groups of friends are the same people heard from time and again. The same people sit quietly without saying anything. I have sat silently at dinners before not wanting to speak because I felt like there was no point trying. I have had clients not listen to what I am advising because they are too busy talking about their own ideas. And friends surprised about something I am doing because they were too distracted with their own voice to listen to mine. 

Do I need an elevator pitch to feel seen and heard? Do I need a quick thirty second summary of what is going on with me to feel like I have connected with someone?

Recently, a friend asked me about my writing. It was a beautiful, sincere, engaged question and, yet, I stumbled in my response. I had so many things I wanted to say but instead I smiled and responded simply without much substance. She didn’t press any further and the moment passed as quickly as it started. How can I hit pause when this happens? How can I move beyond the stumble to foster meaningful connection? I know that if I have something to say the onus is on me to speak up and make myself heard. But it is not always automatic. Truthfully, after years of not feeling heard even when I did speak up I am more comfortable deflecting the conversation away from myself.

When does the talking stop? When does the listening start? And, when we listen, what do we truly hear?

How many people feel invisible in a room like I sometimes do? Nervous to say what they really want. Feel like they have to fight their way into the conversation and just give up after a while. Right now, there is so much talking in this world. Not enough listening. Just because someone doesn’t immediately say something of significance doesn’t mean they don’t have anything to say.

I want to shout to the talkers of the world … pause. Be okay with a break in the conversation. Be okay with silence. Give someone else space to share. And listen. Truly listen. No opinions. No turning the conversation back to your own story or experience. Just listen to what someone else has to say.

Sometimes the most profound conversations happen in the silence between words.

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