if other women could do it why couldn’t i?

It was a Thursday afternoon on a crisp Fall day in Toronto. It had been a day of back-to-back meetings at work as we reviewed plans for a major software conversion. As I watched the clock creep closer to 5pm I could feel the sense of panic rising. I was still in a meeting that was supposed to have ended half an hour ago, I knew I needed to deal with two pressing emails and I had a note from one of my team members that they urgently needed to talk to me. And, I had to pick my twin boys up from daycare by 6pm at the latest. It was a short drive to get them but in rush hour traffic anything could happen and I had no time buffer. 

At 5:07pm the meeting finally ended. I bolted out of the conference room and pounded out a response to one of the emails. The other email would have to wait. I packed my bag and went to find my team member to see what was up and told him he would have to walk with me to my car. We rode the elevator down and zig-zagged our way to my car as he went through what he needed to cover with me. I added that conversation to my mental list of things to look at later that evening. By now it is 5:37pm and it took me another 5 minutes just to turn out of the parking lot. Shit. With some strategic weaving and cutting down some side streets I made it to the daycare centre at 5:55pm with mere minutes to spare. I rushed in to find my boys playing with some Lego while waiting for me with the one other kid that was still there. I scooped them up, apologized to their teachers and out the door we went. 

By the time we got home they were starving and I had no clue about dinner as usual (at that time meal planning and cooking were not my forte). So they had frozen chicken fingers and fries for the second time that week. Mother of the year. Fed. Bath. Story. Bedtime. Once they were asleep I cracked open my computer and got back to work.

I would like to say that what I just described was a rare occurrence but it wasn’t. I was rushing from one thing to the next barely stopping to pee. During that time I felt like I was doing a half-assed job at work and a half-assed job as a mother. And what was worse is that everyone else seemed to have their shit together. Why couldn’t I handle it all? No one talked about how hard it was. Other women were climbing the corporate ladder while their kids were speaking other languages and playing musical instruments. Mine specialized in watching endless episodes of “Mighty Machines”, turning the house upside down and eating a bottomless pit of fish crackers and granola bars for snacks because their mother was always working or attempting to get on top of things. Basically I was sucking in the parenting game. Or so I thought at the time. It didn’t help that I worked in a super competitive environment. Don’t get me wrong, I loved where I worked and was challenged daily by the bright minds I got to interact with. But I never had enough hours in the day to work and felt constantly behind once I had kids. 

I struggled through those early years feeling increasingly disillusioned with work. By the time I went on maternity leave with my third child I knew I couldn’t go back to the corporate world - not the way I had been working before. So … I quit. The thought of keeping up that pace with what was soon to be three kids was just too much to even consider.

What I wish I knew then that I know now is that, for starters, I needed to be nicer to myself. I needed to ask for help. I needed to ask for a new job especially since I worked for an organization that was open to growth opportunities. And, I needed to talk openly to my peers about how I was struggling as I am pretty sure I wasn’t the only one feeling that way with little kids. Instead I felt like I had somehow failed. I couldn’t hack it while other women my age with more than one kid could. Since I was a little girl I had always envisioned being a successful executive who was also a Mom and someone who could handle it all. Walking away from the corporate world was a huge blow to my confidence and I didn’t know who I was supposed to be anymore. 

But here’s the thing … as I unravel the layers and look back on that time I don’t even know who that version of Sarah was. That frantic, out of shape, drinking too much, working all the time, competitive parent is a total mystery person to me now. After I walked away from the corporate world I leaned hard into motherhood. I discovered that I actually liked being a Mom and the older my kids got the closer we became. My professional life has continued to evolve in the years since but at a different pace. 

At the time, and for many years after, I felt like a failure for walking away from my “successful” career. I had an important title. People reported to me. I made lots of money. There were corporate perks like Raptors games! What I know now is that success is so very personal. Success evolves as you grow as an individual. What is important to you in your twenties might not be in your forties. What works for others might not work for you. And that is okay. What is not okay is suffering silently and feeling like somehow you’ve failed in life.  

I still struggle to ask for help. But I am getting better. I now know that everyone is on their own journey and if mine doesn’t look like others that is totally okay. Theodore Roosevelt said it best when he said: “Comparison is the thief of joy”.

There is always a path forward. Sometimes it is different than what you thought it would be. But sometimes turns along the way can lead to amazing things.  

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