grandpa’s refried doughnuts

a super grainy photo of a photo from the early 80’s

My paternal grandfather used to scare me. He had a loud booming voice. He was tall, a big man and super intimidating. At family gatherings I would meekly greet him then get out of the way and avoid him. This strategy worked for a while until my parents bought his house. And we moved in. With him. I couldn’t believe it. We were going to live with that scary man?! What were they doing to me?

He hadn’t been living on his own for that long since my grandmother had died but long enough to develop some odd quirks. For example, he used to fry doughnuts in butter. Yes. Doughnuts. Doughnuts that had already been fried by definition. My mother was horrified but I loved it. He also used to put his breakfast out the night before. Seems reasonable if it was a bowl and a box of cereal. But no. He put eggs & bacon out on top of the microwave. And left them there all night! All night!

At first, I watched him with a cautious curiosity. He went about his business as he had when he was a bachelor. But now there was a family living with him. Gradually we started to interact more. At first it was a little smile – he had this grin that didn’t really show his teeth but it sparked a little glimmer in his eye. Then he would put his arm around me while he was frying up his doughnuts. I don’t remember us ever having any conversations of significance. But what stands out to me is a gradual warmth, trust and love. When he was around us his gruffness seemed to slip away. And this kind, warm and funny man emerged.

I think it was my eighth birthday that he gave me a bulletin board for my room. It wasn’t wrapped but he had put a bow on it and was so excited to give it to me. We posed for a picture – both of us in our bathrobes still. Any memories of being scared of him had washed away.

I don’t remember how long he actually lived with us but after after a time he started dating. And he would stay out later at night. And then he got re-married and moved out.

I am eternally grateful for that period of time with Grandpa. I don’t know that we ever would have built a relationship like we did had we not had that time together. I learned to see past his intimidating presence. I learned that with patience, trust and love people will drop their façade and you will be able to see their true character. I learned that even the toughest, gruffest of people can really be teddy bears inside.

My kids are missing their grandparents right now. Back-to-school and pandemic-land don’t seem to mix well with our older population and there is a lot of fear. I don’t know how long this will last but we can’t go on forever without the grandparents we love so much. At some point we are going to have to figure out how to live our lives in the face of uncertainty. I don’t know what the answer is and I don’t really like any of the options right now. But we will figure something out.

Grandparents play such a special role in our lives. They spoil you when your parents won’t. They let you stay up past your bedtime. And, if you are lucky, you can learn the lifelong cooking skill of re-frying doughnuts. I count my lucky stars I remember my grandfather not as a gruff, scary man but as someone with a toothless grin and glimmer in his eye and a softie who got me that bulletin board all those years ago.

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