exhausted gratitude
When he walked out of the hospital I followed behind watching his six foot plus frame shuffle down the hall. I knew he was one of the lucky ones.
Over the past days I had been roaming the unit listening and observing. Some of the patients could move their arms. Others had to have their mouths suctioned every time they coughed because they didn't have the capability to do it themselves. One man was learning how to hold a utensil so he could feed himself again. It all seemed surreal that I was there with one of my kids.
What if, just what if, kept spinning in my mind.
On discharge day we stopped to say goodbye and thank you at the nurses station. He stood and posed for a photo. I could tell they weren’t used to seeing their patients walk home. I was one of the few mamas to walk their kid out of that hospital unit. He still has work ahead of him to recover but he will be fine. He will go on to play sports and do all sorts of crazy tricks on the ski hill again. Tricks like the one that got him in trouble this time.
The gratitude of a second chance for him is something I will hold sacred the rest of my life.
Until he was discharged from the hospital my head had been clear. My chin held high. Everyone kept asking if I was okay and I was fine. I really was. Yes, I was worried. Sure, I was upset. But I was focused on getting it all done and figuring it out. When he was discharged from hospital that day is when the deep fatigue kicked in.
I had taken steps to make sure I was getting sleep. I had been focused on my nutrition (not an easy feat when living on restaurant and takeout food). I had boosted my supplements to support my own immune system. I was even getting in short workouts every morning before going to the hospital. I was on my own in a city a three hour time difference from home and I had no choice but to keep going.
To make sure he was okay I knew I had to be okay.
The exhaustion hit me all at once. He was at the hotel sleeping after a restless night and I was out running errands. It was pouring out. Even though I was already soaked I pulled my flimsy umbrella out to shield myself from the rain and moved forward to my next stop. As I stepped out of the store I paused to figure out where I was going. I wanted to just walk back to the hotel even though it would take me a while. Walking has always healed and energized my mind. But as I stood there I felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. I just wasn’t sure I could put one foot in front of the other in that moment.
I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. I could hear the noise of the traffic, the splash of rain, the chatter of people walking by. I was so tired. All the events of the previous week had caught up to me in that moment. It felt good to stop and lean against something for support even if was just for a few minutes.
Gratitude and adrenaline had gotten me this far but now exhaustion took over. As much as I wanted to continue walking it was not meant to be that day. I needed help. I pulled out my phone and called an Uber.
That day I needed a deep breath and a pause. Grateful for the ride home, I found my strength again.
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