the power of no
"If it isn't a clear yes, then it's a clear no". ~ Greg McKeown from the book, Essentialism
I am a recovering people pleaser. I used to say yes a lot more than I do now. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to feel valued. I wanted everyone to get along. I never liked to rock the boat. I felt like I needed to behave in a certain way or that my house should look just so. However, in constantly saying yes to other people I was exhausting myself. I was minimizing my own needs in service of those around me. I was running like crazy, reacting the the events of the day, never stopping to observe the impact this had on myself and those I cared about the most.
I might have been saying yes but what I really meant was 'sure'. Or, 'I guess'. I was saying yes to what was important to other people without considering what this meant for my own life.
As I have gotten older, having clarity about what is important to me means that when I say yes to something I am fully committed. Knowing what I value in life has made it easier to respond when something is asked of me. Being clear about my priorities guides every decision I make.
For example, it is important to me that we feel connected as a family. In practice, this means prioritizing eating dinners together as much as possible. The kids have come to expect and count on eating around the same time each evening. Creating a dining space that is conducive to lingering has made a huge difference. Investing in comfy dining chairs, prioritizing that time in the day and building in the habit has been key.
Knowing what is important to me helps plan my days. Being strong physically is a priority and, as I have gotten older, I promised myself that I would move my body for at least thirty minutes every day. This means scheduling active time into my calendar. For me, it is usually first thing in the morning before the busyness of the day takes over.
Having a clear idea of how I want my home to feel and function has helped minimize purchases for the house that ‘might’ work or ‘sort of’ look good. While I do care about aesthetics, I always first ask myself if a potential home goods purchase serves my goal of creating a cosy, safe haven for my family. If I am not fully certain then I won't buy. I used to spend hours prowling the aisles of HomeSense only to come home with a bunch of crap I didn't need and, sometimes, didn't even really like. I was buying stuff for the sake of buying. Now, I find impulse home purchases happen less and less.
I love to travel and love dipping my toes in waters around the world. Over the years I have gained clarity about what kind of trips bring me the greatest joy. I like active travel. Sitting by a pool or at a beach works for about a day for me. I am not a fan of major tourist centres preferring a more off-beaten path. And, I love travelling with my family. Not everyone likes to travel in the same way but knowing what is important to me helps guide my decision-making.
The power to say no exists all around us. But, dang, it is hard sometimes. A simple yes or no answer, like a stubborn toddler would give, isn't really practical as an adult. Getting clear on what and who is important and having the confidence to act with those priorities in mind has enabled me to say no with confidence. And, a giant yes when opportunity presents itself.
Some might find talk of saying no as selfish. But it actually quite the opposite. It is about being able to say a “clear yes” to the people and things in your life that matter. At the end of the day when you say yes to one thing you are saying No to something else. There are always trade-offs.
No is a powerful word. When you use it wisely and, with intention, it can unlock so many amazing things in life.
So, tell me, are there any opportunities in your life today to say No when in the past you might have said yes?
PS - if you want to create a life & home you love subscribe for more inspiration - I share even more in my Letters from Sarah that I send regularly