sunshine and tired eyes

I have learned a lot about myself over the past year.

I have learned that I can share my writing with others even when it feels vulnerable and scary.

I have learned that I can workout at home in the small space I have carved out of our basement for a gym.

I have learned that I love eating dinner together as a family almost every night.

I have learned that I love a slower pace of life.

And, I have learned to share my local trails with other people (but I am missing the solitude I was used to before!).

And, yet, with all that I am grateful for I have struggled the past couple of months. Struggled to focus. Struggled to stay on track. Struggled to be present in conversations with others. Struggled to drown out the ever present fearful messages blasted at us daily by politicians, health officials and the news. Struggled to do what I know I need to stay physically and mentally healthy. As of this week we have entered yet another stay-at-home order. I am frustrated. I am mad. It is making me nervous in ways it hadn't before. I am bored and I feel trapped.

But more than anything I am tired. Like bone tired.

Tired of the worry.

Tired of the guilt.

Tired of the feelings of not enough.

Tired of waiting for life to begin.

Tired of being told No.

Tired of trying to make sure everyone around me is okay.

I am tired of the knowing I have inside me and my inability to break free from my own chains of fear and confidence to do anything about it.

Here's the thing ... I live in a safe home. I have food on the table. My husband and kids are around me. But even amidst all the security in my life I am tired. Tired of the rollercoaster. Tired of the monotony. The cracks are showing. I can't be alone feeling this way.

This time in our lives is messed up in so many ways. Things I had counted on for support have disappeared. Isolation and loneliness dominate. I just want to hug humans. I am craving touch and connection. I want to see someone's mouth when I am talking to them in person. And, the screen, while helpful, can be thrown out the window at this point. I instinctively hugged my mother when we stopped by for an outdoor visit at Easter and, as I walked away, I wept with gratitude, joy and grief all wrapped in one tangled ball of emotion. I needed that hug. I miss close, lean into the other person, hugs.

Yesterday was a gorgeous and unseasonably warm April day. As I sat in the backyard sunshine I turned my face towards the sun. Towards the warmth. Towards the light. For a moment, I felt like a bird soaring high in the sky. I closed my eyes and I could picture a different place. I could see where I would be, who I would be with, the expression on my face and I could hear laughter and joy. It all felt so light. So carefree. It felt like a place where I was meant to be.

That moment in the sun yesterday reminded me that even when life feels like it has lost its soul I haven't. I can always imagine a happier place. Dream about a time when life feels lighter. Close my eyes, feel the warmth in my heart and smile.

I may be emotionally tired today but yesterday's sunshine reminded me of the promise of tomorrow. Here's to sunnier days ahead.

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