how do you know when it’s the last time?

It has now been three weeks since I have been self-isolating in my home.

Three weeks where I have only hugged my immediate family.

Three weeks where any outside interactions have been at a physical distance or online.

After a FaceTime call with my parents yesterday I found myself wishing that we had paused in the airport when we were last together to give each other giant hugs. We were in such a rush to get through customs and out of the airport that I waved them ahead because I would be slower. And now I wish I didn’t. I wish I had taken just a few extra minutes for a long, connected hug. I wished we had paused to say goodbye.

Now more than ever I am thinking about the last time. When was the last time I filled my car with gas? When was the last time I was out for dinner in a lively restaurant? When was the last time I was hiking on the trails with a friend? All the things I took for granted that I would just do again as I always did. Now they are on pause indefinitely.

We are all isolated from each other now. All huddled in our homes. All hunkered down to stop the spread of the awful. And I am missing the everyday things I took for granted. Hugs. Filling my car with gas. Dinners out. Hiking with friends. I miss physically connecting with people where you can feel the warmth in their hug or handshake. And you can smell their perfume or body odour. Or you can see what they are wearing and compliment them on how fabulous they look.

The concept of ‘normal’ has been blown out of the water. Walking in the neighbourhood you see people shifting to lawns to get out of each other’s way and keep a physical distance. Instead of in-person gatherings for birthday parties you jump on a Zoom call. Boardgames with friends are played via FaceTime. We are making it work. And it is important that we stay apart while staying connected. But it doesn’t mean I miss the in-person connectivity any less.

As I sit and reflect about “the last time” for so many everyday things I find myself mourning for what used to be. Kicking myself for taking things for granted. And, perhaps, that I didn’t get to say goodbye before the world turned on its head. As with many things in life this too shall pass. But with no end in sight the only thing I know for sure is that what we once knew as normal has been forever changed.

So today I move forward. I am grateful to be able to hug my immediate household. And still connect with others at a distance. But one thing I know for sure is that if I have learned anything at all it is a lesson in never taking anything for granted.

Especially hugs.

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