feeling heavy
Sunset on Semiwhite Lake, Mississagi Provincial Park, August 2020
It has been overcast and rainy all week. There have been some wild thunderstorms at night. It is like the calendar changed from August to September instantly flipping a switch from summer to fall. All of a sudden the days are shorter. The weather cold. The skies gloomy. I am constantly reminded of the heaviness of the world around me. It feels like the weather is foreshadowing things to come.
As much as I wrote a few weeks ago about keeping a steady hand I have been slow this week to take my own advice. Virtually nothing in the news is happy. Anxiety is high about back to school and figuring out new routines. The pandemic numbers are creeping up again causing noise about a coming second wave. My extended family is struggling to figure out how to interact with each other. There are horrifying images of the wildfires in the western US and the news in politics on both sides of the border is like something out of a circus. But … the Raptors won and forced a game 7 with Boston so that is a positive!
There were so many bright moments this summer especially when we were outside together as a family. It is crazy to me to think that it was just a few short weeks ago! And, while I knew this week was coming, somehow I didn’t expect to be whacked sideways by it. I had done all the things to prepare. I stayed fairly informed but didn’t gorge on the news. The kids had enough masks for school and all their uniforms sorted. For my older two, their first day was yesterday and it seemed to go well. We are figuring out the morning routines again after a six month hiatus. We are easing back into the hustle of life.
The kids are fine. They are resilient. They are adaptable and just seem to roll with things. They are excited to see their friends and be back in school. It’s me that is struggling. Truth be told I am feeling a little lost. When the world stopped six months ago I shifted into hibernation mode both with my family but also with my business. Now that kids are back in school and things have opened up again it is taking me a hot minute to sort my own shit out.
I know I will be fine because I, too, am resilient just like my kids. I have been through heavy days before and each time I surface a stronger more determined version of me. I refuse to let the dark times dominate the brightness of life.
Sometimes though, it all feels hard. Sometimes there is a lot of muck to wade through. But there is beauty on the other side. I believe that with all my heart. One thing I know for sure is that only I can take the step forward. And that is what I am doing today. One step at a time. One step through the heavy while walking towards the light. Onwards to the promise of tomorrow and the joy that comes with it.
As with most things this too shall pass … but if the sun would come out in meantime it would sure as stink help speed things up!
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