fear as a parent
Throughout this past year, we have been bombarded with fearful messages in the media. Fear of the unknown. Fear of getting sick. Fear of losing loved ones. Fear of endangering others. Fear of the way our lives have changed. Fear is a real and, at times, debilitating emotion. How you manage it makes a difference. Today, I am reflecting on how I am learning to process fear as a parent and how the coping mechanisms I use can be applied to fear in general.
I don't remember feeling fearful when my kids were little. I remember exhaustion. I remember feeling like I wasn't doing enough as a Mum. I remember thinking my kids never stopped moving (ha!). I also remember laughter and fun adventures. I remember thinking how lucky I was that I got to spend time with my small humans.
But constant fear of bad things happening? That isn't something I felt when they were young.
Maybe it is because I was in charge of their every waking hour. And, when they were asleep, my home felt secure with everyone all tucked in for the night. Maybe it is because they would talk to me about everything. I was the first person they would tell when they were excited about something. And, I was the first person they came to when they were hurting.
Then, as they got older, things shifted. Friends became more important. My influence lessened. A totally normal progression ... intellectually I knew this. But, for some reason, I felt blindsided. I wasn't ready for it. No longer the centre of their universe I began to fear what could happen.
What started when they were young as small boo boos to kiss and make better turned into broken bones and phone calls home from school about misbehaviour. There was a stretch of time several years ago where it felt like there was always something. I would jump when my phone rang. Or look at my inbox with trepidation wondering what not-so-positive email sat waiting for me to read. Every time they were out of my sight I would be fearful of what might happen. Would they get hurt? Would they get in trouble at school? What about their friends? Are they running with the "wrong" crowd? Are they drinking or vaping or getting high? Are they getting enough sleep? Why do they have to prowl the house at night long past when I have gone to bed? Will they still love me even when they don't need me anymore? My brain was in overdrive.
For a period of time, I was ruled by fear. My usually optimistic outlook on life had faded and I was mentally exhausted by the rollercoaster of emotion. But one day, something shifted. We were away on holiday, just the kids and I, and, as we stopped at a McDonald’s en route, I realized that the little boys I had known so well were still there. Just a bigger, smellier version. Little boys who love their Mum. Little boys who are silly and goofy and have no concept of personal space. Little boys who just want to be seen for who they are and loved and trusted through all their twists and turns as they grow into men. It was at that random highway rest-stop that I realized I could choose to feel fear all the time or choose to love and trust.
The fear is still there. But doesn’t dominate me like it used to. This past year, fear has trickled into all parts of life impacting even the most innocuous of interactions (thank you pandemic-land). Now, more than ever, I am using the coping tools that have worked for me as a parent to settle down the fear bubble:
Name the it. Naming the fear out loud has a way of making it seem not so scary. Once I say out loud what I am fearful of, I find it is easier to let the fear go.
Trust. I trust that things will happen as they are meant to and I recognize that I cannot control the outcome. Things may look different than what I thought but by letting go of control and trusting whatever is meant to happen I have been able to manage the fear.
Love. Calm, firm, love. There have been times when I have been so angry I wanted to scream and yell until I had no voice. And I have done that. But it never works. It only makes things worse. So I start with love. I love hard on the people around me. Love always beats fear.
It has been a year of togetherness with teenagers. More time together than any of us bargained for. They are missing their friends, their sports and social events. There has been little chance for them to be "dumb teenagers” because we are always together. At an age when so much social development happens pandemic-land has stunted their growth. And, yet, it has also been a year of family dinners, being goofs with each other and finding comfort in the familiarity of our daily lives. A year of opportunities to firm up the foundation of our relationships.
I could choose to slip back into feeling fearful. Fearful of what they have lost this past year. Fearful of what they don't know going forward. Fearful of habits that have developed because of so much time spent at home and online. But I refuse to live that way. I don't like the person I am when I live life through a lens of fear. Time spent being fearful is time wasted on living.
Fear, as a parent, still comes at me in waves. But it subsides. I know I can choose to swim against the current and struggle in fear. Or, I can name the fear, trust where I am at and swim with it instead.
I’m choosing to swim with fear knowing that I am never far from shore.
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