what does treating yourself mean?

We were on holidays earlier this month.

It was a welcome change of scenery after being at home since mid-March when COVID hit. 

We headed up north camping and spending time at a cottage. It was a blazing hot week and I was grateful to be able to jump into a lake, enjoy long leisurely meals and play multiple games of Prez (asshole as some may know it!). All in all it was a wonderful break.

As can happen on vacation, I ate a bunch of food that I normally wouldn’t. I drank several more drinks a day than usual. And I slept in. All this sounds well and good when you are taking a break from every day life. But here’s the thing. When we got home my skin was a mess. I had a bloated belly. My head felt fuzzy. And I was exhausted. Anyone who knows me in person knows that my body has been temperamental over the years. Skin flare ups. Random infections. Sinus colds. A generally wobbly immune system. In the past, this has contributed to a feeling of failure that my body can’t keep up with what I want to do. I would ask myself why can’t I eat what I want? Why can everyone else do it and be okay and I break out into an itchy rash?

I have worked hard to know and understand what works and what doesn't work for me. This includes what I eat, what I drink, how much sleep I need and my optimal time to go to bed and wake up. My body has been stable enough in the past year that if I slide in one area it will generally be okay and I can get myself back on track. But this time it was hard. In addition to my itchy skin one day I was so tired I had two naps!

It begs the question … what does treating yourself really mean? Is it that much of a treat if you spend the next two weeks recovering from that one moment? I ate lots of chips and dip (hello plain Ruffles chips with Helluva dip!). I had a bun with my burger and an English muffin every morning. I had licorice. And there may or may not have been several drinks a day over a ten day period. On a one off here and there it might not be so bad. But it is a slippery slope for me. If I do something once I am likely to do it again. For example, if there is a bag of chips around I will eat it. Not one chip. Not two chips. But the whole damn bag. And I will eat it fast so I don’t have to share. In my head I think of it as a treat but is it really a treat when it leaves you with lingering effects?

I love holidays for their ability to leave you feeling refreshed and energized and ready to attack life once you are home again. Instead, I find myself fighting a body that is basically saying fuck you Sarah. It is hard to admit that my needs are different than others. It is hard to advocate for myself when it is easier just to do what everyone else is doing. It is hard not to seem like fun, do anything Sarah. But I am tired of being 'do anything Sarah' then feeling like garbage afterwards. My indulgences were a reminder that my body deserves respect. And that, even when it is tempting, it is okay to say No. 

I am insanely grateful for family holiday time and, even though I came home not feeling 100%, I am grateful for the reminders from my body of what it needs to thrive. I am not 18 anymore. I don’t bounce back like I used to. A reminder to myself to be kind. Be gentle. Be wise. And move forward with grace knowing that nothing is permanent.

But here’s the thing … just keep the chips and dip away from me okay?

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