the complexities of mother’s day
Mother's Day is a funny one. In the weeks leading up to it you are inundated with ads, gift guides, inflated flower prices, and gobby pink splashed everywhere. On the actual day, radio stations play mother-themed songs and shout out well-wishes every chance they get, grocery store clerks wish you a happy day (even if you aren't with your kids) and strangers smile on the sidewalk and share greetings. You literally can't avoid Mother's Day.
On one hand it is important to recognize the Mum's in our lives and everything that comes with being a mother. Totally on board with that. My Mom is one of the most important people in my life. And, in a year that has seen a record number of women step back from the workforce, burnout from working and home-schooling and the constant juggle of pandemic-unpredictability this is for sure the year to raise a glass and say Thanks. But at the same time it feels like a little too much. There is a lot of build up to the day. A lot of expectations. A lot of disappointment, sadness and hurt.
Mothers are held to a high standard and we are bombarded with messages about what society thinks makes a good mother. Mums put enough pressure on themselves to guide humans forward into the world - we don't need other peoples opinions blasted at us at top volume. For example, I wasn't ready to have kids and hadn't given much thought to what kind of Mum I wanted to be. Then, after some pressure, because "that's what you do after you get married", I found myself pregnant with twins. When they were first born I struggled immensely. I was under the impression based on what was celebrated in society that I would gaze into my child's eyes and it would love at first sight. Nope. I was completely overwhelmed and in survival mode. It took a while for me to fully love my boys - a relationship I am very proud of today, I might add. In hindsight, I probably had post-partum depression that was never really dealt with at the time. However, for many years, I felt a deep sense of shame for not immediately loving my kids.
My husband asked me yesterday if I think Mother's Day is a bigger deal than Father's Day. He wondered if we make such a fuss about Mother's Day because there is an element of guilt that Mums are often taken for granted? There is some truth to that. As a society we don't do a particularly good job of supporting women in the dance of kids and life. I am thinking access to childcare, figuring out house stuff all while balancing a job in many cases. We put pressure on women to quickly bounce back from pregnancy and make it all look easy.
There is pressure to celebrate Mother's Day in an "appropriate" way. Go for brunch, send flowers, spend time with your kids. All socially acceptable. All "normal". Social media is filled with posts about how wonderful the day was. Questions in casual conversations leading up to Mother's Day involve inquiries about what you are doing and how you are celebrating. Personally, I celebrated being a mother by not mothering. I went on a massive hike and ignored my kids for the better part of the day. Constant pandemic-land togetherness definitely helped drive that choice. I didn't want the breakfast in bed or the lying around the house that is considered a “typical” way to celebrate. It's not me.
In the midst of all this pressure to celebrate and love and recognize there are a whole lot of people for whom Mother's Day is a giant slap in the face. A painful reminder of loss. There are those who are desperately missing their Mums who have passed or those who are missing children who are no longer with them. There are those who have tried over and over to have a baby and their dreams didn't happen. Then, there are those who have painful memories associated with their mothers. And so many others who flinch when the second Sunday in May comes around each year. Even though there seems to be more recognition that Mother's Day isn't a joyous day for all it continues to be a loud and shouty day filled with expectations.
Can you tell I had some feelings about Mother's Day yesterday? I suppose that is what I get for going on a long hike .... lots of thinking time. For me, the bottom line is that if you are grateful for someone pick up the phone and tell them. Send a text to say Hi. Drop flowers at their house just because. Book a time to go for a walk.
Mother’s Day is a complex day filled with emotion, expectation and loss. Don't wait for one day of the year that is fuelled by media and consumerism to let those you love know they are important to you. Life is too short to celebrate special humans only once a year.
This goes for Mother’s Day and every other day.
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