on shared experiences

I have been thinking about how connected you can feel to others when you find yourself going through something at the same time. And, what it is like when you feel like you are alone in life.

When you go through a shared experience with others there is a certain comfort in knowing that other people just 'get' what is going on. It could be other classmates during university exams, friends getting married the same year, neighbours cleaning up after a big storm or attending a retreat with like-minded humans.

Then there are times when it feels like you are the only person out there. You are the only one who is sick. You are the only one who argues with your husband. You are the only one navigating challenges with your kid. You feel alone. You feel isolated.

In August, one of my boys headed off to university. He is living in residence, away from home for the first time. He was ready for a change. Ready to spread his wings. Ready to go. It has been a big adjustment. I am still getting used to walking by his empty bedroom. It is too clean! 

I have found comfort in knowing I am not alone in feeling this way. 

Many of my friends have kids that are the same age. As the kids finished high school we talked about what they were thinking of doing next. Some knew what they wanted. Others weren’t so sure. I was grateful for all our conversations. It was comforting to know that other parents were navigating life after high school too.

As August approached our conversations turned to more detailed logistics. When is move-in day? Where do I find extra long sheets for a single bed? The text messages we sent each other were like having personal cheerleaders in our pockets. I loved hearing from everyone and sharing in the joy of my son starting the next phase of his life.

It was truly a shared experience and I felt a deep sense of community as we moved through big change together.

And, yet, I felt torn.

You see, unlike many of my girlfriends, I am a Mum of twins. I had two bright-eyed kids graduate high school in June. Their connection, especially in their final year of high school ran deep. This September, however, they would embark on new beginnings away from each other. It would be the first year in their lives they didn’t start school together. The first year they wouldn’t walk into the same building knowing that the other was there.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel. I knew it would be different. I knew that day when we left one at school without the other would break my heart in so many ways. But I was also excited for them to embark on their own adventures.

What I didn’t anticipate is how lonely it would be for me as a parent.

People would ask how university drop-off went. They wanted to know how he was doing with frosh week and his classes. This massive milestone moment had been an amazing shared experience with many. And, yet, no one could relate to how I was feeling watching my twin boys go their separate ways for the first time. That has been really hard.

On the one hand, I have had this powerful, connected experience with others. We have all lifted each other up during a time of big transition. On the other hand, it has been hard to share the twin dynamic with others. I have found that unless you are a parent of twins or a twin yourself it can be hard to relate. 


Recently, I was fortunate to have a conversation with a friend who is a twin. He shared with me what it was like for him and his brother when they went their separate ways after high school. It gave me insight into what my boys might be feeling but perhaps not able to express. It made me feel not so alone to hear about twins that didn't go on to school together. It helped to know what someone else's experience was. In that one conversation, I didn't feel so alone.

I have learned so much during this time of transition. 

I have been reminded of:

• the power of community and the joy of experiencing life with others.

• the support we can give each other in times of change.

• how we can lift others up even if we don’t fully understand what it feels like just by checking in.

• the importance of looking beneath the surface and knowing not everyone is having the same experience.

• that we need to seek out others for support even when it feels really hard.

And, importantly, no matter what, we are stronger together. Your people are always out there even when you might feel alone. 

Tell me, have there been times when you’ve felt alone? Were you able to find comfort in a shared experience with others?

I would love to know.

PS - Periodically I share essays and other notes you might like. I would love it if you took a minute to subscribe for more.