in the blink of an eye
Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you. This week my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. It feels like forever ago but also yesterday that we got married.
On a recent hike we were talking about how things feel very different on our 20th anniversary compared to our 10th.
We talked about how ten years ago we were in the thick of chaos with a young family. How we were still relatively new to the community that we lived in. And, how, as individuals, we felt that we had to be going at full speed all the time. Looking back it literally felt like there was no off switch. No pause button. No thinking about the direction we were going. Just go go go and fall over.
The pressure of constantly trying to live up to the expectations of everyone but ourselves was sucking the life out of us.
We went away to ‘celebrate’ our 10th anniversary without much of a plan. We hadn’t booked anything in advance and just got in the car and drove. We ended up staying the night in a random Bed & Breakfast because that is all we could find at the last minute. The next day we did a hike which was anything but enjoyable. It was 35 degrees and I remember running parts of the trail just to get away from the mosquitoes!
I came home from that mini-getaway frustrated and annoyed. I felt like neither of us had cared enough about our relationship to put any thought into what we wanted to do. We just took it for granted that things would be great. We told everyone we had a fun weekend but in reality, at the time, it felt emblematic of how fried by life we were as individuals and as a couple.
Now, ten years later, things feel different. Yes, the kids are older and more independent. Yes, we are both more settled and confident professionally. Yes, we have built an amazing network of friends in our community. All those things have helped. But the biggest difference is that, in the past couple of years, we have been increasingly intentional about us as couple and as individuals. We have realized that if we aren’t okay then nothing around us will be okay. If we aren’t looking after ourselves we can’t be fully present as a couple. It sounds simple but in the rush of life, the pressure to look after others and try to do all the things we had forgotten to nurture the very relationship that started it all.
No longer do we ‘try’ to make time together work. We book it. No longer do we hope that things will turn out okay. We make a plan. It sounds cold to think about a relationship that way but by being deliberate and intentional we have created space to connect without pressure and frustration.
This year, unlike ten years ago, I was happy to quietly mark our anniversary without fanfare. We went on a late afternoon hike on one of our favourite trails. We made plans for some upcoming adventures together. And, it reminded me of how things all started.
I don’t have a magic wand to see what the future will look like. But I do know that I no longer blindly assume that there will be a ‘we’ in another ten years without each of us intentionally prioritizing each other.
Each day matters. Each week matters. Not for one moment, do I take any of it for granted.
For, in the blink of an eye, it could all be gone.
Happy Anniversary, Brad. I am so glad you got to watch the British Open this year … unlike the TV-less B&B from ten years ago! HA!
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