i said yes and i really meant no

Recently I said yes to a few things.  And I really meant no.  

I ignored my instincts. I ignored what my heart was telling me. And, I ignored the promises I had made to myself. I said yes. And I really meant no. How many times have I done that? (Spoiler: lots) 

I think about all the moments where I …  

Said yes to doing something I didn't want to.  

Said yes because I felt like I should.  

Said yes because technically I didn't have anything better to do in that moment.  

Said yes because that is what everyone else was doing.  

Said yes even though I knew it would make me feel unwell.

Said yes because it was something I was expected to do.  

Said yes because it was the “right” thing to do.  

Said yes because it would make other people happy. 

And the list goes on.

Here’s the thing … when I say yes to something and I really mean no I rarely feel good about myself. I can feel any one of angry, mad, disappointed, irritated, resentful, frustrated, stupid, insignificant, physically ill, weak, tired, stuck … so many emotions. 

Don’t get me wrong. I love saying yes when I am not totally sure of what will happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have come from trusting my intuition, taking a leap and saying yes even when I wasn’t sure. But many times I have ignored what I know. Ignored my instincts. Ignored the promises I made to myself.  

I am getting better at letting go of the “should”, the “probably have to”, the “it’s the right thing to do” and “it will make others happy” and making decisions that are better aligned with how I want to show up in this world. But it is hard. It is hard to say no. It is hard to say “not for me”. It is hard to disappoint people. 

There are only so many people and things I can say yes to in life. Getting clear on what kind of person I want to be and listening to my intuition makes it easy to say a massive hell yeah (!) when it’s the right thing and the confidence to say no when it is not.

At the end of the day, when I say yes and I really mean no, I am saying yes to other people and no to myself. And when I say no to myself no one wins. The people I have said yes to only get a piece of me. And, everyone else gets my leftovers because louder demands prevailed.

If I say no to you don’t take it personally but know that when I say yes I am all in.

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