5.5 km uphill
I have been thinking about what happens when something doesn't go as expected.
What do you do? How do you react? Is the whole experience ruined or can you see the hidden gifts?
I recently returned from a week away with one of my teenage boys. We had a fabulous time together. Lots of walking and exploring. It was truly a gift to have that time with him. One of the afternoons we went for a big hike ... 5.5km straight uphill in the heat of the middle of the day. The promised prize at the end was a beautiful view and an old monastery built into the rocks. We could have taken a train instead of hiking but I was keen for the challenge.
Or, so I thought.
On our hike, he was light on his feet as he ran ahead of me and pushed the pace along. I, on the other hand, felt like my legs were made of lead and my lungs were going to explode. Every once and a while he would pause, look back, ask if I was good, then continue his hopping around.
Periodically I'd pause and try to catch my breath. Picture me panting and hunched over, hands on my thighs. The trail never flattened! It was one switchback after another. One step at a time, Sarah, I'd tell myself. My son would ask again if I was okay and we would continue our journey forward. The further we hiked the madder I became at myself. What the hell had happened, I wondered. Why am I so out of breath? Hiking is my jam. Why does this suck so bad?
This negative self-talk was on repeat.
Ultimately (or finally?!) we got to the top. I was beet red, soaked in sweat and proceeded to guzzle a bottle of water. We sat down to have a snack and figure out what our next move was. As I started to relax and take in our surroundings my boy looked at me and told me I needed to be nicer to myself. He said he didn't like hearing me apologize for being slow. He said he knows how much I love hiking and maybe I was just having an off day.
You know what? He was right. At that moment I realized that I had spent so much time being mad that I missed the beauty of the whole experience. I barely took in the gorgeous hills. I didn't giggle and laugh like I often do on hikes. I had been just plain annoyed and mad
It was a valuable reminder to let go of the shoulds of life and the expectations of myself.
Not every hike can be glorious and go as planned. My body brought what it had that day and even though it was not what I wanted it still got me up the hill. I needed to love on myself and know that the next time will be different. And, I can use the panting as motivation instead of irritation.
Have you ever been in a situation where you spent so much time being mad at yourself because things didn't go according to plan that you missed the whole experience?
I'd love to know.
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